This is the beginning of me coming into my own. I am 20 years old and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely nothing. Most people my age are going into their junior year of college, have jobs, healthy relationships, and, pretty much have their lives mapped out. I, however, am all over the board. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Hell, I don't want to grow up at all. But I guess it's a little late for that.
Here I am, starting my second year at the local community college, convinced I want to be a teacher. Six months ago I was going to be a nurse. Six months before that I was on the road to being one of those people stuck in a small town, working at the local Dollar General for the rest of my life, married to the guy who knocked me up. Thank God I'm not there anymore! But I'm not that far from it. I'm living with my grandmother, doing absolutely nothing with my life. True, I have recently been CNA certified. And I fully intend to find a job wiping butts all day. But until then, I babysit every other week and do odd jobs for friends and family. Recently, I started quilting. And by recently, I mean I JUST started this evening.
As I sat there this evening cutting fabric, I had a small epiphany. My life is going absolutely nowhere. I cannot make a decision to save my life, I am hopelessly codependent, I have very few REAL friends who I keep in contact with on a regular basis, I am a hypocrite, I have NO self esteem, and, I still think like a teenager. A very YOUNG teenager. I have decided to utilize my time and sewing efforts into something positive, other than just something to keep my hands busy. I'm going to use this as a growth and learning experience. I'm going to contemplate the big questions and really focus on fixing myself.
As a child, I knew exactly what I wanted in life. I guess we all did as children, but most people grew up and did something with their lives. I really afraid that in 10 years, I'm going to be in almost the exact situation that my parents were in when I was growing up. Stuck in a dead end marriage, with no real career or goals past what to make for dinner. If I end up that way, I won't last long. I'll die. As it is, I feel lost and confused most of the time. I am restless and anxious, angry and frustrated. ALL THE TIME. I can't be this person anymore. I hate myself most days. I need to change myself, and my goal is to do that through projects that make me think and ask questions. Projects that allow me to look within myself, find the problems, and attempt to fix them. I will attempt to use this space as a place work out those problems.
In 10 weeks, I have friends getting married. I haven't known them for a super long time, but long enough to know that they are great people and I can't wait for them to start their lives together. I am making a quilt for them as their wedding gift. This quilt isn't particularly difficult to make, but it is a little time consuming and good for thinking. As I work on this quilt, I will hopefully find a little peace. By the end, maybe I'll have a few answers.
And maybe, just maybe, for the first time in my life, I will finish something I start.
No comments:
Post a Comment